Light in the Darkness
by icaughtfire
Summary: My first fanfiction in over a year. Manny/Darcy. Darcy is dealing with the aftermath of her rape, contemplating going on antidepressants and having feelings for Manny, her savior. Femslash. Don't like it, don't read.
1. The Only Thing I Care About

**Light in the Darkness**

Darcy sighed deeply, lying on her bed and staring up at the cracked ceiling in dismay. The ceiling resembled how she felt inside, cracked and broken with no chance of repair. How had she ended up in this situation? She still couldn't make sense of why this had happened to her. Her life had been spiraling downward for quite some time now and she didn't even know who she was anymore. First, she made mistake after mistake with her internet stardom. She just wanted to feel beautiful but it got out of control; her pictures had been leaked and she gained an internet stalker who was eventually arrested. It all seemed ridiculous when she thought of it. A story from a Lifetime movie, not her LIFE.

Then there was the night. She had been drinking that night for the first time. She had sex with who she thought had been Peter. It was painful to think of. _Peter._ Oh, she really cared for him a lot. But it was not Peter. It was a stranger; he drugged her and had sex with her against her will. A stranger who had done the very same thing to probably dozens of other girls. Dozens of others who felt the same way as she. But how could she find them? She felt as if maybe they would be the only ones to understand the pain she felt.

She shuddered as a flash of his alcohol-soaked lips on hers went through her mind. She could remember his tongue in her mouth. It felt wrong. She remembered his erratic breath as he forcefully unbuttoned her jeans, her cries of protest he ignored. She had no idea who he was, but she wanted him to pay for his actions. Now because of him she was terrified of Peter. _Peter, really?_ He would never hurt her. Would he? He had hurt her before, maybe not sexually...but that night he'd pressured her and she almost gave in. Now she could not bear to think of intimacy with her boyfriend. It was as if she held her rape against him, an innocent party. It wasn't fair or even logical. But it was how she felt.

Her feelings were so scrambled. She had talked to Manny about the situation and somehow that made her feel better. Darcy didn't know what she would do without Manny and didn't want to think about where she would be without her. It was weird how not long ago they had despised each other, and now, Manny was the only person Darcy trusted.

_Why do you care so much about me,_ Darcy thought,_ I'm such a mess._

Now Darcy was a shell of the person she had been before. She couldn't call herself a Christian, not after what had happened, how God had let her down. She had been faithful to him and in return, he did nothing to protect her. He was dead to her. Maybe he was not even there, maybe he never had been. Maybe the world truly was alone. That thought scared her. But what other explanation was there for his absence, his abandonment of her.

She felt dirty, she had been defiled by some man, she could have contracted AIDS...she was lucky she did not. But even now, weeks after Manny's rescue in the girls shower room, Darcy still wanted to die. There was no light in her life. Everything was as dark as the room where she'd lost her virginity. Now when she lay in bed she could feel the man on top of her, crushing her. She could taste his breath and hear his cruel laughter. It was like he was always there, clawing at her skin until it was raw. She tried to fight him off but she couldn't win. She didn't fend him off then and she couldn't now. She had reoccuring dreams of that night and each time she would wake up before she could see his face.

She could not participate in the world anymore. She felt separate from everything she had once cared about. Cheerleading did not seem important after her life had been wrecked. School was only an escape from her thoughts. She paid attention in class to keep her mind occupied, yet her grades were suffering horribly. Her parents gave her lectures upon lectures but nothing punctured the bubble she had created around her mind. They didn't understand what was going on with her. Of course they couldn't. But she could not bear to look them in the eye and tell them what had happened to her. They would think it was her own fault for going to the party. She had been asking for it.

Nothing made sense anymore. The only thing that made sense was Manny. As much as she hated to admit it, the girl was her only thread to this world right now. She could not die because of Manny.

Darcy thought of her friends, realizing they did not feel like friends anymore. She was so scared to connect to anyone for fear they might hurt her. She pulled her legs against her chest, remembering how Emma treated her after she had turned in Mr. Simpson for sexual harrassment. She knew it had been horribly wrong. Mr. Simpson had been the first person she told and he had been so caring that Darcy just felt like she loved him...she wanted anything to wipe away the memory of that scum bag on top of her...but it had been a mistake. It was obvious the teacher would not want to do anything with her. He was committed to his wife and he certainly was not a sexual predator. Now Darcy was in a sea of regret. She had horribly hurt the person who had been there for her. She had been so upset when he didn't return her feelings, or rather, her projection of feelings, that she wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her. She also wanted someone to get in trouble for what had happened to her even though he had not been the culprit.

People at school treated her differently now. Most of them were unaware of the rape. Including Emma. Of course Emma was angry with her. She had a right to be. Even if Darcy had been hurt, it did not give her an excuse to hurt others. She knew that. Peter was being so supportive. He was really a great boyfriend. He barely tried to touch her anymore. But she did not feel anything towards him now. She looked at him and remembered. She did not think she could ever be happy with him again. It wasn't his fault.

_Manny...I wish you had let me die._

"Darcy?" The voice of her savior called out. "Are you okay?" Manny was standing in the doorway, her dark hair loose at her shoulders. She often came to check on her with no warning, probably because she was afraid that her friend was going to kill herself. Suicide watch. It made Darcy feel pathetic.

Darcy looked up at her. She was so beautiful. _I wish I looked like her._ Every time Darcy looked in the mirror she saw a victim, an ugly girl who was too hurt to look normal. The pain was evident in her eyes, always. It was all she could see. How was it no one else could see that when they looked at her? Why was everyone acting like everything was fine again...she had tried to kill herself. She had even been a failure at that. But everyone assumed she was okay, even thought she wasn't.

She bit her lip, shaking her head in response to her friend's question. She couldn't lie to her best friend. Manny came towards her with a concerned look in her dark eyes, taking a seat beside of her on the bed and grabbing her hand. "Do you want to talk?" She asked. Darcy nodded. Her throat was dry and tears spilled down her cheeks as she spoke.

"I don't know what's going on with me." Darcy admitted, her stomach tied into knots. She just wanted everything to be right again. She just wanted to remember what it felt like to smile. What it felt like to not imagine cutting into your skin to feel the bone, to let the blood spill out as a confirmation she was still alive, to let that blood flow until her soul left her body. "I still feel like dying and I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I can't stop thinking about it."

"Maybe you should go to the doctor," Manny advised carefully, not wanting Darcy to get more upset than she already was. "When something bad happens to someone, they can feel depressed for a very long time. Maybe this, um, event...triggered something more. Maybe you have depression."

"Dep--" Darcy broke off. "You can't be serious."

"Think about it." Manny replied, stroking the top of her hand. "Let me look it up." Her friend looked unsure, but Manny stepped over to the computer in Darcy's room. It had recently been returned to the room following Darcy's internet "problems." She was very careful with her usage. In fact, she had not turned on the computer in weeks and dust was forming on the keyboard. Manny turned the computer on and its hum filled the silence in the room. After it booted up, she opened up a search engine and typed in **Symptoms of Depression.**

The page read:  
_"Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there's nothing you can do to improve your situation.  
Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.  
Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5 of body weight in a month.  
Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer.  
Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.  
Irritability: Easily annoyed or frustrated. Lashing out in anger or snapping at others._

_People suffering from depression often show distorted thinking. Everything looks bleak to them, and they hold extremely negative views about themselves, their situation, and the future. Trapped in their pessimism, they obsess over their problems and blow them out of proportion. Unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel, they may even start to see suicide as their only way out."_

Manny read this aloud to Darcy.

"Wow." Darcy muttered. "I think you just read my biography. But what does this mean?"  
"This means we're making you a doctor's appointment. You might need to go on antidepressants."  
"But I don't want to. I don't need medicine to fix me."

"It's not about whether you want to or not.. It's about not killing yourself. It's about being able to get out of bed in the morning. If things are this bad, you need to get help," Manny explained slowly, making sure her eyes met Darcy's. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me. I don't need any more help. I have you." Darcy murmured, squeezing Manny's hand. She felt self-concious as her hand began sweating, and she tried not to notice how her heart was racing.

"Well that's obviously not helping enough or you wouldn't be feeling this way." Manny said after a moment.

"I guess you're right..." Darcy paused, gazing at her friend. Her eyes were rimmed with tears and Manny put her arm around her shoulder, pulling her head to her chest. Darcy swelled with emotion, pressing her head against Manny's. She could smell her hair. She closed her eyes and let in a deep breath. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Alright." Manny answered, kissing Darcy's forehead. "Let it out."

"I really appreciate everything you're doing for me. You're the only reason I'm alive right now and quite frankly, the only reason I want to be."  
"That's sweet." The dark haired girl said after a moment, a smile forming on her face.

"It's not sweet, it's true. I need you. I -- I love you." Darcy's voice broke and she began sobbing uncontrollably. If she told Manny what she was feeling, she was going to lose her, too. But it was too late to turn back now. It was said. She didn't know how Manny would react and that scared her. She couldn't lose the only person she had in the world.

"Aw, I love you too, sweetie."

"You...you do?"

"Of course I do. How could I not? You're amazing, Darce. You're beautiful, kind, understanding. You're such a great friend." Manny looked down at her, wiping the tears from her sad eyes. "Now stop crying this instant." Darcy leaned forward, putting her hands around Manny's neck and pressing her lips to the other girl's. Manny's eyes widened in surprise as Darcy let her entire soul flow free in a passionate kiss.

* * *

**Authors Note:**  
Okay guys...to be honest, I haven't written a fanfiction in a long time. The thought terrifies me. I'm not confident in my writing of these two characters, as I have never written them before. The darkness of Darcy's situation helped me a lot, because I find it difficult to write simple fluff. This isn't fluff. This is dealing with important stuff and yeah, it's a femslash. Manny and Darcy make sense. Often after a sexual assault, the victim is afraid of the sex that assaulted them. It's natural for her feelings to be for Manny. Manny saved her. She feels in her debt. And Manny...well, I'm not sure how she feels about the situation. I haven't been in her head yet.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this. I am trying to flesh it out but I'm not sure where the story is going yet. I just want your support in my newest fanfiction endeavor. Hopefully I will finish this one and move on to other Degrassi stories. Thanks to this season I really feel inspired again.


	2. Day I Wrote You Off

Manny's mind raced as Darcy's lips met hers, and she sat there while the other girl kissed her. She was completely surprised and was uncertain how she should react. It was probably best not to react. After a moment, the kiss ended. Both girls were silent until Darcy began crying and ran from the room. Manny ran after her, chasing her down the steps and catching her at the front door.

"Just wait a second, Darce." Manny demanded, grabbing her by the arm. She wiped the tears from Darcy's eyes.

"What? You want to tell me you think I'm disgusting? I don't need to hear it. I know I shouldn't have but I just...I don't know what I was thinking." Darcy said hysterically.

"No. I don't think you're disgusting." Manny smiled, hugging her. "This doesn't change anything. You just kissed me because you feel alone. I've been here for you. It's only natural. It's fine. It's not like I haven't kissed a girl before, anyway."

"...Who?" Darcy asked her in surprise.

"Um. Yeah, I probably should not have mentioned that. Never mind."

"You can't just tell me that and expect me not to ask!!" Darcy exclaimed, tickling Manny and cheering up in an instant. This meant very good things. Manny wasn't freaked out at all, nothing would change in their friendship. But her feelings still hadn't changed and part of her wished she was still kissing her best friend. She noticed how good she smelled and found herself gazing into Manny's brown eyes for a long time. This time it was Manny who iniated the kiss. Darcy relaxed against her body, letting Manny put her arms around her waist. Manny nipped at her lips playfully, kissing her with an astounding mixture of passion and gentleness. It was as if the world stood still.

But then everything started moving again. Everything was interrupted when they heard a gasp of surprise coming from the mouth of Darcy's younger sister Claire. She pushed her sliding glasses back up the bridge of her nose as Darcy and Manny jumped apart guiltily. She stared at them with a look of disbelief. Darcy's face was flushed and she told Manny goodbye, rushing back upstairs and into her bedroom. Manny left after that, and Claire came into Darcy's room still wearing an incredulous look.

"Since when do you kiss girls?" She had a habit of being very direct.

"Since today, I guess. Why is it your business?" Darcy answered defensively.

"It's not. I was just wondering. I thought you were dating Peter. Do you like kissing Manny? Does it feel like kissing Peter?" Claire questioned curiously.

"CLAIRE! Shut up! I don't want to talk about it right now. I don't really know how I feel and I really don't think I should be discussing my lesbian feelings with my _little _sister."

"I'm not that little." Claire protested with a pout.

"Get out. And don't tell mom & dad!" Darcy shoved her out of the doorway, closing the wooden door in her face and making sure to lock it for good measure.

She let out a sigh of relief and collapsed on the bed, more confused now than ever before. She kept remembering the kiss and how it felt...she had never felt that way before. Manny's lips were soft and she was a better kisser than Peter had been. So many times before had she imagined the moment in her head. She thought it had been curiousity, but if it had, why did she want it to happen again? Maybe it meant something more. She was growing apart from Peter. She was growing apart from the male population in general. She was seeking comfort in Manny. That had to be all it was. She couldn't be a...lesbian. She did not need the entire school gossiping about she and Manny, not on top of everything else that was going on.

Darcy decided that tonight she would see Peter and set things right. Maybe she would realize how much she wanted to be with him and her feelings or whatever they were for Manny would just disappear. She texted him and asked him to meet her at the Dot. She straightened up her hair and reapplied lip gloss, hurrying down the stairs.

"I'm meeting Peter at the Dot, tell mom & dad I won't be home late. Love you!" Darcy announced loudly to her sister, who was watching cartoons in the living room.

She went out the door and got into her car, buckling her seatbelt before pulling out of the driveway. She began feeling anxious on the short drive to the Dot; thinking about kissing Peter made her stomach feel sick. Not in a romantic stomach-tied-into-knots nervous way. More in a I-don't-want-to-kiss-a-boy way. She pulled into a parking space and entered the small cafe trying to steady her hands. She was shaking as she took a seat at an empty table. Peter wasn't here yet. Spinner gave her a friendly wave from behind the counter. He was pouring some coffee into a cup for one of the customers. After he delivered the coffee to the woman, he took a seat at her table.

"Hey, what are you up to?" He asked her with a smile. She smiled back at him.

"I told Peter to meet me here. I guess I need to talk to him about something." Darcy replied.

"Oh. Peter. Well then I'll leave you to wait for your knight in shining armor." Spinner rolled his eyes and stood from the chair. She jerked his arm and sent him a seething look.

"He's not as bad as you think."

"Yeah, sending videos of girls taking their tops off and then taking naughty pictures of all his 'friends' surely classifies him to be man of the year." Spinner said sarcastically as Peter walked into the Dot, looking around for a moment before his eyes settled onto his girlfriend and her ex. His eyes narrowed as he took Spinner's now vacated seat.

"Hi, Spin. We'll have a couple cokes, okay?" Peter told him, obviously wanting him to leave. Spinner shot him a look.

"Did you just seriously call me Spin? Did we become best friends without my permission or what?" Spinner muttered.

"Screw you, dude. Just get us something to drink," Peter demanded, turning his attention to Darcy. "So, was there any particular reason you wanted to meet me here?"

"Kind of. I don't know. I guess I wanted to talk to you."

"What about? Is everything okay? Oh my god -- are you breaking up with me?" He blinked a few times, completely getting the wrong idea. Or maybe it was the right idea. Darcy wasn't exactly certain what she wanted to do. But she didn't want to hurt him.

"No..." Darcy said softly. "Everything's fine. Well, I mean, it wouldn't be breaking up if we just take a break."

"Break. Breaking up. Same thing." Peter growled, pushing over his glass when Spinner brought it to him. "What the hell, Darcy. I was here for you and then this. I can't deal with your PMS or whatever the hell is going on with you. Call me when you figure out what exactly it is that you want." He jumped up and hurried out the door, Darcy looking helplessly at his retreating back. She hadn't wanted him to react that way but she couldn't say she was surprised. He was a lot more invested in their relationship than she had been as of lately. It was only natural that he was hurt. What surprised her more was how much better she felt, like a weight had been lifted from her. Not being with Peter anymore meant she could do what she wanted. Like kiss Manny again...

"He's not that bad, eh?" Spinner grinned. "So why are you breaking up with him then?"

"It's a long story."

"I'm on break. I've got thirty minutes. It can't be that long of a story."

"Well...fine. Then can we go somewhere more private where people won't overhear? I kind of don't want this getting out. And if you tell anyone, you're dead." Darcy threatened. Spinner smiled, finding her threats to be somewhat cute. Like she could really hurt him. But he nodded, and they went out to the alley next to the cafe, settling onto some packing crates.

"So what's up?" Spinner began.

"Something happened today."

"Could you be any more vague?"

"I kissed someone."

"Oh. Okay. How does that make you feel?" Spinner looked at her, biting his lip.

"You do a great Ms. Suave impression, really. Impeccable work."

"I'm being serious, Darce. Your feelings are relevant. Do you like this guy?"

"And what makes you assume it was a guy?" Darcy shot back. Spinner was silent for once. His mouth formed an "O" before twisting into a wicked grin. She could tell the dirty thoughts that were going through his mind, probably of a threesome between him, his girlfriend, and Darcy. She smacked him.

"What? I'm sorry! But that was so not what I expected. Are you pulling my leg?"

"I wish I was." Darcy murmured, sighing deeply before letting her head fall to Spinner's shoulder. "I don't know how I feel or what I should do or anything. I don't want to screw things up between me and Mann--"

"Oh my holy freaking Jesus. MANNY? That's...that's amazing." Spinner exclaimed excitedly.

"Okay, ew. Stop imagining that right now. Besides I don't even know if she's into girls."

"I know she is." Spinner retorted. "Because she told me about how she dated this chick once," at Darcy's surprised look he nodded. "Yeah. This chick is hot. She went to Lakehurst. I know what your thinking, yeah, she goes to Degrassi now. Anyway I guess they dated for a couple months but she ended up getting pregnant and they had to end things. I mean the girl got pregnant, not Manny. Well Manny decided to...she couldn't deal with it. I don't blame her though. But she's over it now and I don't think she's dated a girl since. Neither of them have. But yeah, nobody knows about this except Manny, her and me. And the guy, probably."

"Wait a second. Are you talking about--"

"Yep. Mia."

* * *

**Author's Note:** A bit shorter than the previous chapter. I'm like fishing in the dark here, not totally sure of what's going on. But I hope you like the drama and the added characters. I'm not great at writing Peter honestly, because I don't understand how anyone can like him. In any case I hope it satisfied your craving. Oh and today's my 19th birthday. Woo.


	3. PS: You Rock My World

"Mia? Wow. I never expected her to be..." Darcy trailed off in complete shock at what Spinner had just told her. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't think she is. She never was that upset about the breakup. Manny was though. She felt really guilty about it...she hasn't dated a girl since but she made me swear not to tell anyone. I'm only telling you because, well," Spinner paused, a smile growing on his face. "I think you have a chance. I want you to be happy, with someone good - not someone like Peter. Or hell, not someone like me either. Manny could be great for you...she's done a lot for you lately, been there for you and stuff. If something happens between you, make sure to take pictures." He smirked.

"Oh yeah, you know I will. Because I've had such a great track record with that in the past." Darcy rolled her eyes but then grinned at him. "Thanks, Spin. I appreciate you telling me this."

"It's no problem, Darce. But I probably should get back to work. Good luck and tell me how it goes." Spinner gave her a kiss on the forehead and a quick hand squeeze before returning to the Dot. She sat there in the alley for a few moments before going to her car. He was being so supportive. She had never seen this side of him before...it was certain that he had changed a lot because of what he had been through recently.

Darcy sat in her car, thinking about her feelings. She still wasn't completely certain what this was. She knew she wasn't a lesbian, right? She'd never been attracted to girls before. But there was Manny... She sighed. She did know of someone she could talk to, but she didn't know her very well and she doubted the girl liked her much. Darcy texted Spinner.

**Whats paiges number? i want to talk to her about this. -darcy**

A few seconds later he responded, giving her the number and wishing her luck again.

Nervously Darcy held her cell phone in her hand, dialing the unfamiliar number while her fingers shook. Paige had also dated Spinner back in the day, and he had cheated on Darcy with Paige. She wasn't sure if Paige had any resentment towards her and they had never really spoken but who else could she ask? She could have talked to Alex about it, the girl who was been dating Paige, but she was known to be hostile and Darcy knew her even less than she did Paige. After three rings, Paige picked up.

"Hello?" She sounded curious, of course, she didn't have Darcy's number so she had no idea who was calling her.

"Um...hi. This is Darcy. Darcy Edwards." Darcy answered cautiously.

"Oh, hi hun. What's up?" She was surprised at how at ease she sounded. Somehow Darcy had expected her to be angry or to yell at her. She smiled, maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

"I'd actually like to talk to you about something really personal. I know we don't really know each other very well but frankly, you're the only person I know who has gone through this..." She trailed off.

"Wait, are you talking about what happened with Dean?"

"Dean? No...?"

"Oh. Then what?"

"You're dating Alex," Darcy said slowly, biting her lip so ferociously that it began to bleed. She licked her lip and continued. "I think I like someone, a girl, but I don't know what it means. I don't like girls and I never have so I don't understand why I am feeling this way. I just really want to kiss her and be with her..."

"Right. Well, sweetie, there is such a thing as bisexuality. Maybe you're bisexual," Paige told her brightly. "That's what I am. Alex is the first and only girl I've ever liked so far. So it's not like I'm the resident expert or anything. But if you want to kiss her just go for it. Do you know if she likes you?"

"I think so."

"Who is it? If you don't mind my asking of course."

"I'm sorry, I don't really feel comfortable saying. So what were you talking about before, some guy named Dean?"

"Dean was...I guess you could say that...well, Spinner never told you?" Paige stumbled over her words. Darcy wondered what it was she was trying to say. "Dean was the guy who raped me. I thought maybe you'd had something similar happ-"

Without saying a word, Darcy hung up the phone. She pulled her knees against her chest and began crying. _Dean._ Was that the same guy who had raped her? Somehow it felt almost comforting to know she had not been the only one who had gone through this ordeal but Paige? It supported the idea that maybe her confusion in sexuality had more to do with the rape than she realized. She wanted more than anything in that moment to tell Paige what had happened to her, but how could she trust the girl she barely knew. She might tell someone and Darcy didn't want to risk that. She was taking enough of a risk with Peter knowing. Especially since she broke up with him, he was really upset, he might say something. She got freaked out when she thought this. What if he told her parents? She couldn't imagine how they would react and didn't want to. Shakily she called Manny.

"I broke up with Peter. I'm worried that he might tell everyone about the...you know...because he's upset. I just really need to talk you about stuff. Call me back." Darcy left this message on Manny's voicemail and let herself calm down before she drove back home. The comforts of her warm bed sounded really great at the moment. But as she walked in, her mother was sitting on the couch waiting for her.

"Darcy," Her mother was looking at her with concern. She got up and went towards her daughter, putting her arms around her. Darcy stood stiff, not touching her, wondering if her sister had told on her. That was really the last thing she wanted to deal with, trying to explain to her parents her feelings for Manny when even she wasn't completely certain what they meant. What Paige had said struck a chord with her. She was right. Darcy was probably bisexual. The word sounded foreign to her, surely it couldn't describe her. "Darcy, are you okay? Your sister is worried about you. You aren't hurting yourself anymore are you?"

"I'm fine. I mean it. I'm not doing anything to myself." Darcy showed her mother her arms. The scar from the slit on her wrist was still present, but there were no fresh cuts. She was telling the truth. Her mom let out a grateful sigh.

"That's wonderful. If you ever feel like..." her voice trailed off. She wasn't sure how to say it. She didn't want to speak the words _committing suicide._ "doing that again...tell me. We can't let you do it again. You know that, right?"

"I know, mom. Well actually I wanted to go see a doctor."

"About what?"

"Getting on some antidepressants." Darcy whispered. She felt ashamed that she needed them, but she knew they would help her. Being dependent on medication was something she was terrified of but right now she felt she had no other option. Her mother nodded at her in encouragement.

"I'll call and set you an appointment. Thanks for telling me. We need to keep our lines of communication open." Her mother smiled, hugging her tightly. She'd found all this information in the parenting books she bought, books with titles like _So your child has been self-harming?_ and _What to do with a suicidal child_. That was all fine and good but they weren't going to help anything. Darcy didn't really have the desire to do those things anymore. She wanted more so to understand who she was as a person and how the rape had affected her. She wanted to know if the rape was her punishment for drinking. Part of her wondered if God was punishing her for being led astray. It didn't seem like something He would do...but she really didn't know anymore. Her questions about God were among her other questions. So many things were bothering her and she wasn't sure who to talk to except Manny. And now these feelings were going to get in the way of all that.

"Thanks. I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Would you like some spaghetti? I made some for dinner."

"I'm not hungry..." Darcy muttered under her breath, heading up the stairs as her mother stared at her retreating back.

"If you change your mind, the pot is in the fridge. Love you." But Darcy didn't hear any of this. She was already up to her room with her door closed before the entire thing left her mouth.

Darcy took out a CD that had been given to her by someone, she couldn't remember who, and put it into her CD player. Eels was the name of the band. She turned off the lights and crawled into her bed, pulling the covers up around her in a comforting comforter hug. She smiled to herself at the thought and listened to the music, allowing her mind to focus on the music rather than her own problems. It felt nice.

But each song had lyrics that reminded her of something in her life.

_waking up is harder when you wanna die_

She understood that feeling all too well. But the song she related to most was "Electro-Shock Blues".

_Feeling scared today  
Write down "i am ok"  
A hundred times the doctors say  
I am ok  
I am ok  
I'm not ok_

Skin is crawling off  
Mopping the sweaty drops  
Sticking around for this shit  
Another day  
Another day  
Not another day

Pink pill feels good  
Finally understood  
Take me in your warm embrace  
I am trying  
I am trying

These lyrics described how she felt so well that it almost scared her. This entire album was full of melancholy and sadness, two feelings she knew better than any other lately. She was listening to these songs while she began drifting away slowly, falling into her consciousness. She was ripped away from her almost-sleep by the obnoxious ringing of her cell phone. She jumped up from the bed in surprise. It was Manny calling her back.

"Darcy? I am so sorry, did I wake you up?" Manny's sweet voice filled her ears and it was impossible to be angry. She felt her heart flutter as Manny continued to speak. "I got your message. I'm really sorry I didn't answer before. I was having dinner with my parents...and Jay."

Darcy was silent then, thinking of Jay. He was the worst form of male possible. He had hurt many many girls at Degrassi, caused so much trouble. He was a thief, a felon, everything wrong for Manny. But she was engaged to him and now she was eating dinner with him like he was part of the family. Darcy shuddered at the thought. She didn't want them to get married. In the back of her mind she realized that she broke up with Peter because of how she felt about Manny. She liked Manny so much more than him. She wasn't supposed to like someone more than her boyfriend.

Manny got really worried when Darcy didn't speak, and she yelled frantically out of the phone.

"Are you okay?! Hello?!"

"I'm here. Sorry. Spaced out." Darcy said quietly, her spirits lowering again.

"I'm really worried about you. Do you want me to come over?" Manny asked her urgently, obviously worried she was going to try something stupid.

"No. Absolutely not. I'm fine. I told my mom I needed to see a doctor and she's setting me an appointment."

"Oh. Okay." Manny seemed slightly hurt that Darcy didn't want her to come over. It wasn't that, Darcy knew if she came over she wouldn't be able to resist kissing her again and that was a bad idea with her parents being home. "That's great. So you broke up with Peter?"

"Yes."

"Finally! How did he take it?" Manny wondered aloud.

"Not well," Darcy half-laughed. "But I like someone else, I think." Before she was able to stop herself the words spilled from her mouth. Why was it she had the ability to be completely honest with Manny all the time.

"Who?"

"Um...uh...well..."

"Wait a second. I think I get what you're trying to say." Manny replied. "It's okay. I won't be upset."

"Y-you know?" Darcy questioned, blushing brightly even though Manny couldn't see her.

"I'm not as dumb as I look. You still have feelings for Spinner. It's okay, I don't like him anymore. But Jane might have something to say about that."

"Wait, what? I'm not talking about Spin."

"Well then who are you -- Oh..."

**Author's Note:** Hey guys. Part three! I'm ecstatic. I've only been working on this at work, that's why the break. I have Wed and Thurs off. In any case I had a wonderful birthday. I've been reading Greg Styles Darcy-centric fic, and even though he told me I've inspired him...he's also inspired me. I'm trying to get to the point of the story but I don't want to jump right in. I'd also love to integrate other characters in. Possibly even Mia. And yes Palex is still together and they might be featured :)

I hope they aren't all too OOC, although this is an AU fanfiction, the honest truth is I haven't written a fanfiction in so long it feels foreign to me.

I hope it's okay and by the way the lyrics are owned by EELS who are an amazing band and I love them a lot. So buy their cd. Electro-Shock blues truly is a great album.

Leave a review if you read, I'd love to know your opinions or maybe even ideas for the story.


	4. Hospital Food

Darcy was settled back onto her bed, practically curled into a ball as she listened to Manny on the other end of the phone. Manny was quiet for what seemed like hours, and it was driving her crazy. Finally she decided to say something just to break the awkward silence.

"Yeah. Well, I don't really know what this means or anything." Darcy mumbled, embarrassed.

"It can't mean anything right now...we need to concentrate on you getting better." Manny told her earnestly. Darcy felt her stomach do flips. She'd said _right now_. Did that mean maybe eventually they _could _be together? She tried not to get her hopes up as she replied.

"You're probably right. But does this mean that you feel the same way?"

"Yeah. I think so..." Manny trailed off. "I mean it kind of makes sense. It doesn't freak me out or anything. It's not like I haven't experimented before."

"Would...this...be...an experiment then?"

"No, not at all. That's so not what I meant." Manny apologized at the casual way she had spoken about her previous 'experiences.' "I just meant that like, I've been through something like this before."

"Oh. Right," Darcy remembered a text she had received early that day from Spinner, pleading with her not to mention the secret he told her about Manny and Mia. So she decided to play it ignorant. "What happened?"

"I'd rather not talk about it over the phone. My parents aren't really well-informed of the situation and I would prefer to keep it that way. Protecting her identity is definitely a good thing."

"Okay. Would you like to come over tomorrow night for dinner? We could talk about it afterwards. You know my parents love you." Darcy smiled.

"Sure. I think I'm going to bed now. I'm exhausted. Love ya." Manny said sweetly.

"I love you...too." Darcy hung up as soon as she said this. Again with the professions of love. Love ya and I love you were definitely of two separate calibers. She sighed, not getting to think about it much longer because her door opened, her mother peeking into her room. She noticed that Darcy was still awake.

"Hey, honey. I just wanted to tell you that I set up your doctor's appointment for noon tomorrow and then I set up an appointment with a therapist at 1:30...I don't think that woman at Degrassi is helping very much. So after your doctor's appointment we can have lunch and catch up." She blew her daughter a kiss through the opening in the door. Darcy pretended to catch it, smiling.

"Okay. I'm going to sleep now." Darcy answered, turning her phone and the stereo off before snuggling back into the covers. Her mother watched her for a moment before quietly closing the door. She was asleep in a matter of seconds. Her dream began with Manny's eyes, looking at her lovingly. But she realized that Manny was staring at the girl beside of her...Mia. Darcy tried to speak to Manny but she didn't hear her. She watched as the two girls entangled their bodies in one another's, their lips meeting again and again and Darcy felt her insides burn in jealousy. She felt like ripping Mia's hair out. She didn't realize how much this would make her angry. She grabbed Mia's arm, but her hand went right through it. It was like she was invisible. Darcy woke up with her forehead covered in sweat.

It was morning, the bright sunshine streaming through her open blinds. The girl shielded her eyes from the sun, groaning and remembering the awful dream she had just awoken from. How long had she been asleep? It was almost ten o'clock now and the smell of bacon and eggs came from downstairs in the kitchen. She begrudgingly followed the smell, aware of the growling in the pit of her stomach. Her mother was wearing a bright smile as she sat down a prepared plate in front of Darcy. She began to eat, finally noticing her sister sitting across from her.

"Good morning!" Claire said, obviously feeling quite chipper.

"Morning." Darcy greeted, not warranting a good because it had just begun, and she had a lot of talking about personal things to do today. But she decided she was going to tell the therapist what had happened...it was about time she did so and it wasn't as if the doctor could divulge their session to her parents. Darcy thought of her parents. They cared about her...well at least her mother did. Her father left early in the morning for work and often didn't return home until she was in bed. She was starting to suspect something was up with him and with her parent's marriage in general. She slowly ate the breakfast, listening to her mother and sister's small talk but not participating in it. She put her plate into the dishwasher before hurrying back upstairs.

A shower sounded like a good plan. Darcy turned the hot water knob as far it would go, setting a towel on the toilet seat and shedding her pajamas. She got into the shower, the warm water washing over her therapeutically. It seemed to ease her muscles as well as her mind. _I can do this,_ she thought. She washed her hair and then rinsed it, scrubbing herself with body wash and smelling its soft scent of lavender, rising to her awaiting nostrils. The scent was also calming. By the time the water ran cold, Darcy actually felt normal. Her heart wasn't racing, her breathing wasn't heavy -- maybe everything would be okay.

She entered the long, laborious process of getting ready. She began by emptying her entire dresser, picking out the cutest combination of undergarments just in case something happened with Manny tonight. Then she chose her most comfortable jeans, slipping them on and enjoying the worn denim's feel against her skin. After this she chose a simple purple camisole and a pretty bracelet for her left wrist. Darcy sat at her makeup table then, working on her makeup and hair for over an hour. She wanted to look perfect for tonight. She knew that Manny had seen her at her worst, crying and disheveled without a shred of makeup on her face...but that didn't mean she shouldn't try and look her best now. Now that she knew there was some chance of a relationship or something like it.

There was a knock on her door, just as she was taking one last glance into the mirror.

"Darcy, mom says it's time for you guys to go."

She put on a pair of flats and put her cell phone safetly into her pocket, scurrying down the stairs to meet her mother, who was standing by the front door. She looked relieved to know that Darcy was already made up and dressed, and the two of them left quickly. They rode in the car together with an uncomfortable silence and arrived at the doctor's office. The two of them went into the office and Darcy felt herself growing nervous. It was so neat and white here, the receptionist kept tapping her fingernails loudly. The people in the waiting room were coughing, some with pallid grey faces, looking as if they were on the brink of death. Their outward appearance matched what her inward one felt like...maybe she was okay now, but if one thing went wrong she'd go spiraling out of control. She shuddered to herself, hoping she didn't get to that state of mind again. Maybe that's why everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around her. Maybe Manny didn't really like her but was afraid if she rejected her, that she would kill herself. All of this thinking made Darcy feel frantic, so she tried to shut it out as she watched her mother fill out the forms. Not long after, the receptionist called out "Edwards."

"I'll wait here. I'm sure you want some privacy." Her mother said reassuringly. Darcy felt thankful, giving her mom's hand a squeeze and following the receptionist into a mostly empty room. She sat down in the hard chair, if you could call it a chair, a mostly flat surface covered with a paper sheet that crinkled if she moved. She waited impatiently until a doctor came in. He looked pretty nice, actually. His hair was brown with soft curls, his eyes a calming green, the ends crinkling when he smiled at her. He had very pretty teeth. Darcy smiled unsurely back at him.

"So, how are you feeling, dear?" He asked in a velvety smooth voice.

"Okay. Better now than usual. I asked my mom to make this appointment because I think maybe I should be put on anti-depressants." Darcy told him slowly, trying not to blush.

"Well, I see here where you ended up in the hospital due to self-harming. That's a big sign you need some help, but of course you'll need a psychiatric evaluation..." He trailed off, writing something on his clipboard.

"I'm going to see a psychiatrist after this."

"Right. Well, good. Honestly there's nothing I can really do for you. Would you like to describe your symptoms? I can at least write them down and fax all this over to the psychiatrist so you don't have to go over it again with him. A doctor of my caliber doesn't really specialize in this. I'm more of a physical problems doctor," He patted her shoulder. "Now, tell me what problems you have been experiencing."

**Author's Note:** I forced myself to write the tail end of this because I am getting kinda tired. Work tonight's been loud and it's difficult feeling inspired at the moment. Hopefully the writing goes better tomorrow. I just didn't want to leave you guys empty handed. I really am totally winging this story. I have nothing really planned in advance although I have some rough ideas about the next chapter...Thanks all of you for your support.

I also went to the Breaking Dawn release party last night, it was quite fun, and I spent all day today finishing the book. It really is fabulous and you should read it. Just read Twilight first. I'd have to say that series has been a big inspiration to me as of lately. Anyway, review if you'd like, I appreciate every thing you have to say :)


	5. Novacaine for the Soul

**quick note: in this story, Darcy & Peter never had sex.**

Darcy Edwards gazed at the doctor, who was looking at her closely from his chair. She thought about his questions, wondering which parts of her problems were actually symptoms of depression. She decided not to leave anything out.

"I've been having bad dreams that sometimes make it hard to sleep. I get upset easily. I broke up with my boyfriend because I'm suddenly into someone else which I've never done before. A lot of the time I wish I was dead...I uh, went through a rough time with some stuff when I hurt myself. I'm tempted to do it sometimes. It's just hard to have interest in the things I liked before, like cheerleading. It seems really dumb to me now. I don't feel close to anyone anymore."

"Right. Well, a lot of those do have to do with depression, but you probably already knew that. Some of them might be connected to normal teenage behavior, although in teens it is difficult to tell. I will recommend medication and hopefully when the psychiatrist speaks with you, he will think the same. Once you are medicated, then maybe these feelings and problems you are having will just disappear." He smiled encouragingly at her, writing on his clipboard furiously. She tried to read what he was writing but it simply resembled squiggles.

"How do anti-depressants work? Will I become addicted to them?"

"Although I am not really an expert on this particular subject, I do know the basics. Depression is an imbalance in the brain and the medication works to fix the imbalance. You wouldn't literally be addicted to them, however, going off of them suddenly can be detrimental for your health and can actually make things worse. So in a sense, you will need to take them, but that is only so you do not revert to your previous depressed self or perhaps, a more depressed one. If you have any other similar questions, I would recommend asking your psychiatrist, as I do not specialize in mental health." He explained.

"Oh, okay. Thanks. You've been really helpful." Darcy told him, smiling brightly. The doctor patted her shoulder softly and capped his pen. He tapped on the clipboard.

"I'll be faxing this over to -- who do you have an appointment with?"

"You'd have to ask my mother. She's in the waiting room."

"Alrighty. We will get that taken care of then."

Darcy followed the handsome young doctor out of the room and back into the waiting room, where her mother was reading a Redbook magazine. She looked up from the magazine to see the doctor and blushing, she closed it, standing up to speak with him. He asked her a few questions and wrote down the answers, while her blush deepened. The doctor gave Darcy a goodbye wave before disappearing into the hallway. She and her mother left the doctor's office.

"Wow, he was quite cute, wasn't he?" Her mother commented as soon as they were out the door.

"I hadn't noticed."

"He was definitely a looker, but way too young," She sighed as they got back into the vehicle and she turned the key in the ignition. "So we still have another hour or so until your other appointment and I don't think we need a whole hour to eat. I'm not hungry yet. I was thinking we could head to the mall and I could buy you some new clothes or something."

"That would be fine, mom."

The two of them were off in their own world during the ride to the mall. Darcy felt a slight sense of relief come over her while they walked into the mall, somewhere she felt much more comfortable. She immediately headed to her favorite store to try on a new skirt. She ended up finding a short mini that her mother despised, but made her legs look great. After some begging she also managed to sneak some lingerie in with her new shirts and pair of stilettos. Her mother made an offhand comment about Darcy _asking_ for it, which upset Darcy.

"Asking for it? Are you serious? Everyone dresses this way now."

"Everyone, huh? That doesn't change the fact that it is provocative. Don't worry, you can wear what you want, I just want you to realize that when people see you in this they are going to think some things that might not be true."

"MIGHT not? Are you trying to say I'm a slut?!"

"No, that's not what I'm saying."

"Whatever, mom. Let's just go eat."

Darcy sulked through the entire lunch, glaring at her mom whenever she tried to make conversation. That comment had hit her the wrong way. Her mother had meant that if she dressed the way she wanted to then men would want to rape her. Like it had been her fault before. It pissed her off beyond measure. She couldn't even think straight, she was so fuming. Darcy kept replaying that moment in her head. Her mother thought she was a slut. Well for her information that man who had violated her had been the only man to touch her that way. _And hopefully it will stay that way_, she thought to herself.

Her anxiety built back up again when she stepped into the psychiatrist's office. The walls were a pale brown, old mahogany bookshelves lining the wall, filled with musty books relating to mental health. The carpet was rough and also a faded brown color. She took a seat on the stereotypical visitors couch, the strong smell of leather reaching her nose. She thought of her mother waiting outside in the car and felt her anger flash again. Darcy almost didn't notice it when a slight Japanese woman walked into the room. She was wearing oval shaped glasses perched on her round nose and her pink lips curved into a smile when Darcy finally saw her. The woman cleared her throat before speaking.

"I am Dr. Ishihara. I have received your information from a Dr. Steinbeck and if you would like, we could discuss the matter of putting you on some medication." Her voice was fitting to her appearance, soft and understated but relatively clear despite her prominent accent. She had excellent diction and pronounced each word flawlessly. Darcy admired her, a small plump little woman with a wonderful complexion, dark hair she kept in a bun and sparkling cedar colored eyes. Somehow she felt safe with her. In her observations she forgot to speak.

"Oh! Right. Well, would you like to know all the same things I told Dr. Steinbeck?"

"I would like to know your symptoms in more detail. You mentioned bad dreams, lack of interest, changing in your friends as well as suicidal thoughts. When did all of this begin?"

"You're not going to tell my mother all of this are you?"

"We are under confidentiality. I cannot legally disclose any information you wish to remain private to anyone except for other doctors. This includes your parents, despite the fact that you are under eighteen. Now please, when did these feelings begin?"

"I can't really say the specific point because honestly I think it began sooner than the suicide attempt. I was...reckless...for awhile before that. I did some things I'm not proud of. Um, I was taking provocative photographs of myself and putting them on the Internet. This guy from the Internet started stalking me. I used to be a Christian but now I'm not sure, and I started questioning all that back then. After all of that happened something far worse did. I was...I was at a party..." Darcy's eyes grew wet. It was harder than she thought it would be to tell this stranger what had happened to her.

"You make take a moment if you need one." Dr. Ishihara said kindly.

"No, no. I drank a glass of beer...only one glass. But I was very drunk, high, or something. I guess I was drugged. I don't remember much but a strange man forced me to...to have...to have intercourse with him. I woke up alone and I thought maybe it had been my boyfriend. We had a fight before that. I went to the doctor and they confirmed that I had an STD. I got rid of it easily with antibiotics but these feelings still haunt me. I still feel him sometimes on top of me and I can't breathe. I don't even know who it was..."

"That must have been terrible for you. What happened after that?"

"I told a teacher that I trusted. He didn't say anything but I felt something towards him afterwards...I tried to get him to kiss me but he wouldn't and so I accused him of..." Darcy trailed off, unable to say it aloud. She still felt horribly guilty. "He got in trouble. I even told my best friend and my boyfriend. Well, my ex boyfriend. But now things are really weird. I've been having dreams about the rapist and dreams about my best friend. I think I'm in love with her. I broke up with my boyfriend because how I feel for her but I've never liked a girl before. I am not interested in school anymore or friendship club or spirit squad. It all seems so petty. Manny found me in the locker room one day when I had slit my wrists. She saved me and she never told my parents why I did it. She's protected me this whole time and I have so much I owe her."

"It is very good you told some people, but you should consider telling your parents. You have been through an awful ordeal and it is no wonder you are feeling the way you do. I have had many similar patients. As for the thing about your best friend," The woman paused with a slight grin. "That has nothing to do with depression. That might be a variety of things, from transference to that feeling you said you had, that you owe her. Or you could genuinely feel this way. It is really hard to tell. But liking the same sex is not a disease. It's perfectly natural. You should try to get back into some activities. If you are not interested in your previous ones, consider joining some new clubs. Make new friends. Talk to your ex boyfriend and work things out with him. I don't mean get back together, but it is not good for him to have hostility toward you. You are quite fragile in this state."

"Okay."

"I am going to recommend you for therapy once a week at this time on Saturdays. I am also going to recommend a low dosage of Prozac. Now, it will take maybe a month or two to start working correctly. During the first two months you might experience a worsening of symptoms. This is normal. Just ride it out. Keep me posted on what is happening and keep the lines of communication open with your friends and family. Make sure you are never alone in this time period. After the first two months, we will see how you are doing and will go from there. Do you have anything else you wish to discuss?"

"No, Doctor. Thank you."

The woman handed her a prescription slip and Darcy took it, giving the doctor a quick wave before exiting the building and joining her mother in the car. After talking to the doctor she felt much better and her mood had improved greatly. She smiled brightly at her mother, hugging her and giving her the slip of paper.

"We'll go to the pharmacy to get this filled." Her mother said happily, glad her daughter was smiling again.

**Author's Note:** Oh so inspired! It shall only get better. I watched Degrassi last night and I must say...Holy heck! Shenae Grimes needs to marry me. Also I noticed the chemistry between Jane and Darcy and I'ma thinking maybe once this story is finished...muahaha. I am so evil.


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